“Oops, oh sorry, I shouldn’t have said that!”, he said.
We’d only just met, but I know embarrassment when I see it.
The train we were on had just pulled into the station, so there wasn’t time to explain why he hadn’t insulted me at all.
If I could rewind conversation to the start, and have it over again, this is what I’d say…
When you asked me what my job is, and then made a comment to say I’m ‘at menopause’, it wasn’t an insult. You didn’t need to apologise or feel embarrassed.
I didn’t take it as an insult, at all.
What I mean is.. it shouldn’t be an insult
Many, many people would think differently, perhaps more so of your generation.
You’re retired, with a different perspective of ageing (and menopause) to me.
I don’t think it’s just a generational thing though.
The more we question our societal beliefs over the meaning of menopause, the better.
That bit is a choice.
There is even research to show that how a society views menopause as a whole, directly influences the symptoms that show up (and severity of them) for an individual within that society.
Is it an insult to say someone is menopausal?
I can see why it has been.
When it was synonymous with being ‘less’ of a woman, when we were expected to move aside to make way for younger women, and men, to take over, because our value has been, shockingly, in parallel to the function of our ovaries.
The way I see it, menopause is only an insult if we continue to see it as ‘all downhill from here’.
These days, we have more choices, more knowledge, perspectives and strategies that serve us well in how we manage this time of life, instead of it being something we’re at the mercy of.
No, when you implied I’m menopausal. You were kind of right.
I’m PERI menopausal. And proud of it.
Not all women get to this chapter of life.
I’m here and I’m ready for it.
If you recognise that you’re peri-menopausal (or post-menopausal), and want to increase your confidence in your approach to your health now and for the future, then get in touch here. I’d love to hear from you.
If you’ve not yet joined my online community – Finding Yourself In Menopause – then check out the link below.
We are available to all women who are seeking reassurance not just information.
Do you feel wary of bringing up the subject of menopause, around other people?
The last couple of years it seems like it’s ‘everywhere’.
Books, tv programmes, podcasts, social media, news articles. Many women tell me that it’s great the information is getting out there, but they’re actually quite overwhelmed by it all.
It’s not just the amount of information available to us.
I’ve noticed a huge change in the conversations about menopause, since I first started studying this in 2014 and then menopause coaching in 2016.
Many women tell me stories about how the increased visibility in the media has made it easier to talk about it with friends.
These conversations can increase awareness and curiosity, which is great, right?
Whilst it doesn’t always follow that this leads to increased acceptance, or even being able to solve all your own problems, it can certainly help with one of the most common issues that people tell me about; the feeling of loneliness that can surround this profound life transition.
For every woman who tells me how much it helps to talk about it, and the reassurance they get from that, there’s an equal number of people who say “I don’t know how to bring it up. I don’t want to offend anyone. I don’t want to be judged for it. I’m afraid of being put on the ‘past it’ pile”
(not my words btw)
I find it frustrating but unfortunately, very understandable.
There’s still a lot of stigma and misunderstanding around this part of our lives. Particularly in workplace and career settings.
I get it, of course. We’re not all the same.
Not everybody wants to talk about this part of their life, and that’s okay of course.
I’m certainly not saying you should or need to.
I’m saying, you have a choice.
In whether you want to or not, and in how you talk about it.
From my experience with guiding people through this thing of ‘talking about menopause’ – in group workshops, small and large group settings, where the women attending could be complete strangers, or friends, or colleagues, or just members of the same group or club – I’ve noticed a few things that I’d like to share with you now.
About what works well, and what doesn’t, for it to be useful for everyone involved. Let’s get into that now…
1.)Have you ever felt concerned of being judged harshly, or pigeon-holed, of being overlooked for promotions?
Or having to face some kind of backlash for your choices or your personal experience – even with friends?
Did you know there is workplace law to protect you from many of these pitfalls?
Whilst we don’t have a ‘menopause law’ not yet anyway, there are protected characteristics, age and gender being part of that.
In the UK, ACAS provide fantastic free help on this – check it out if it interests you.
The other thing is, you don’t have to share much to feel supported, particularly in a small group setting.
Many of my small-group clients have mentioned how relieved they felt to be able to say ‘oh gosh me too!’, they were just waiting for someone else to start the conversation.
This is regardless of whether it’s a conversation between colleagues or good friends.
2.)Starting the conversation could happen in a thousand different ways (it doesn’t need to be painfully awkward!)
You could mention an article you’ve read and ask if anyone else has seen it.
You could mention a particular thing you’re doing at the moment, or something you’ve recently become aware of.
I remember one lady who had a few one to one sessions with me, saying that she’d started the conversation at work by saying how much more energetic she was feeling, now she could sleep through the night and wake up feeling refreshed.
Eventually the conversation came around to energy and why sleep commonly goes awry, and the role of menopause in that.
‘Talking about menopause’ doesn’t necessarily involve divulging very personal information or pushing yourself towards awkward vulnerability.
You get to choose how much you share.
3.) If you’re feeling uneasy about bringing up the conversation of menopause, you’re definitely not alone in that.
Employers can be just as anxious about approaching this topic as employees, there can be pitfalls for both parties.
That’s why it can be really useful to bring in a specialist, to provide a general ‘introductory session’, to start off the conversations in a way that is inclusive for all.
This is one of the services that I provide (of course you knew I was going to say that!). It can be a one-off or a series of events either in person or online, to suit your needs.
Did you know the current statistics show one in ten women will leave a job due to menopause, resulting in potentially huge upheaval for both employer and employee.
It could be so easily avoided by providing some support, so that women feel valued and comfortable in their workplace, and are able to continue in their careers.
4.) Sometimes there is is a concern that by introducing the topic of menopause, some people may be offended.
The old myths and misunderstandings surrounding menopause and midlife are just that, old and outdated, but they can still be hurtful to some.
You’re right that it does need to be approached in a sensitive way.
Trying to avoid upsetting people by avoiding the conversation completely, doesn’t solve it.
Not everyone is ready to talk about it, not everyone will want to, and that’s okay.
Some people really do struggle, so it can be tricky to know where to start.
I’ve built up a ton of knowledge and expertise in coaching over the last ten years, so I feel qualified to say that one of the most helpful things you can do for anyone (even if you’re not sure if it is menopause they’re struggling with), is to listen to them.
You don’t need to have all the answers but you do need to know how to listen really well, and without judgement.
5.) Talking about menopause is more than a chat about HRT.
In fact in my experience as a coach I would go as far to say that talking about almost anything in your life, as a woman at midlife, is talking about menopause!
The changes we go through, it’s not just a ‘biological event’, it’s a whole body/mind transition, our body and brain are going through a major reshuffle (or kerfuffle? you decide!) – of course it’s going to affect each of us differently.
On that note, don’t assume it’s going to be an entirely ‘negative’ conversation.
Sometimes laughter and jokes can hide the struggle or embarrassment, but there is also genuine joy to be found – without making us the butt of the joke (have you read my blog on the Ten Best Things About Menopause, yet?)
Some of the most common topics in my workshops and group discussions don’t always sound like they’re directly about menopause, but they are…
Stress, confidence, motivation, relationships; they’re all indirectly or even directly affected by what’s happening at menopause.
Bottom line is; there’s no rush or pressure to go in at the deep end – whether you’re with friends or at work.
I advise that you aim for connection (the basis of support) – you don’t have to share every physical or mental ailment to do that.
6.) For many workplaces, there is often an existing framework around ‘mental health’ or wellbeing at least.
This can be the ideal stepping-stone for talking about menopause.
After all, it commonly affects not just physical health but mental health, too.
Plus, it’s no longer acceptable to write this off as a ‘woman’s problem’ to deal with on her own. The more inclusive conversations we have, the better.
I’ve been invited to many workplaces and mixed groups where it was recognised that everyone needed to understand more about all this, they just didn’t know how to go about it.
How do you go about it?
Well, as discussed above, pick any starting point.
It could be about mental health, or menopause, or any other aspect of health. Be aware that menopause crosses over into many areas of health – it’s not all about hot flushes and HRT.
In a workplace situation, let the conversation move towards some of the more practical aspects, as appropriate.
For example, what can an employer reasonably do, to help support their female staff? -well, as it turns out, there are many answers to that and it doesn’t have to include huge budgets and policy changes if you’re not ready for that yet.
There are some really simple and effective ways of increasing awareness, replacing myths with helpful advice, and improving the capacity for conversation and support overall.
Get in touch if you want to know more.
As you’re likely aware, menopause can touch so many aspects of our lives.
It’s not a disease to eradicate, it’s a part of our lives that we need to be acknowledged by those around us, in a respectful way.
If you’re looking for help or advice in this area, get in touch here.
If you’ve not yet joined my online community – Finding Yourself In Menopause – then check out the link below.
We are available to all women who are seeking reassurance not just information.
There was a specific moment as a child, when I realised that not everyone lived like my family.
I know you’re just dying for me to say we lived in a tin hut up a mountain.
That would have been very cool, but untrue.
I was ten maybe eleven when my whole class travelled to the Lake District, to spend a week in an old farmhouse. A kind of outward-bound type of trip.
Picture a dusty dormitory of bunkbeds, ghosts hiding in every corner, a stream to play/fall in, surrounded by mountains begging to be explored.
A proper middle of nowhere place, absolutely idyllic, probably a nightmare for the teachers.
Definitely a nightmare for the bus driver, who couldn’t drive the whole way down the track.
And my idea of heaven. Home away from home. Not that we lived in a farmhouse, but I was brought up on mud pies, poprivets and bailing twine.
I took my own walking boots instead of having to wear some from the pool of borrowed gear, so, y’know, that gave me a boost of confidence and I felt like a pro.
At a time in life when I didn’t feel very confident about very much at all.
It didn’t phase me one bit that for the whole trip, it was absolutely bloody freezing.
A lot of my friends complained of the cold and the fact that there was no central heating.
And that right there was the moment.
Central heating?
I didn’t really know what they meant by that.
At our house, every day when we came home from school, mum would ‘set the fire’ and then light it. Sometimes a helping hand with some old oil from the garage.
And of course the Rayburn stove was going for most of the year, too. That wasn’t so unusal for where I lived, in a rural community.
So, I just assumed everyone else was the same as us.
You just don’t know, what you don’t know.
Until you do know. And then it’s like.. whaat? why didn’t I know this before?!
I hear those words fairly regularly, from the women I help. Not because of childhood memories. Because of midlife and menopause.
You don’t know, what you don’t know.
In my experience, it’s definitely worth assuming that there’s always something more to learn, to understand.
Some of the most dangerous (as in, holding you back) words sound like “I already know that”.
I’ve heard a small handful clients say that, over the last seven years.
Sadly, it held them back. They weren’t as open to hearing different perspectives, and I really can’t do that bit for you.
Curiosity on the other hand, that can really take you somewhere.
If you’re curious, and want to find out more, get in touch with the link below. I’d love to hear from you.
Menopause is not just a conversation about ovaries and oestrogen.
[May 2020]
It’s also adrenals, thyroid and digestion, testosterone, insulin, cortisol, HGH and more.
And most importantly, there’s YOU – who you are, and all of the other things going on in your life right now, right in the middle of it all.
You are MORE than your hormones!
If we only talked about ovaries and oestrogen, we’d be missing out HUGE pieces of the jigsaw puzzle.
The very same puzzle that brings you back to you, the real you underneath all the hormonal crap. You’re still under there by the way.
Yeah, I’m well aware of how confusing and overwhelming it sounds, but don’t reach for that search engine just yet!
All the women I’ve helped so far (I lost count in the hundreds), all found their symptoms were improved by taking some action on a ‘base’ of:
Drinking more water than anything else Even if you end up drinking coffee later, let’s at least set the intention for more water.
Taking practical steps to improve sleep quality I know you don’t want to hear it, but the bedtime habits really do count!
Appropriate exercise Not all exercise is ‘right’ for every woman
Eating for hormonal balance Instead of fixating on calories or weight loss, the latter comes as a nice side-effect when we do the above
Doing some ‘life laundry’ and addressing stress Just start with the smaller piles that feel manageable, ok?
I’m not saying your problems aren’t bigger than this, I’m saying that if we’re really going to alleviate the layers of symptoms you might be experiencing, we need to start with the big rocks first.
It may be that along the way, we discover you need a little extra help with something. That might lead onto supporting you for digestive health, or hormonal therapy, or herbal supplements.
I’ve never met anyone who didn’t feel some improvement from fine-tuning their ‘base’ strategies, starting with the above. Which starts to build the confidence and belief in yourself, that you have got what it takes to work on the rest.
I know that it seems a bit ‘far fetched’ for this to be true, and I know that nobody really wants to be doing it. Drinking water and eating vegetables instead of hobnobs is BORING! (if you don’t know how to make it enjoyable, that is)
Most people overlook the 5 points above. I’ve had clients tell me they didn’t think it would work for them, that my approach sounded too simple.
I get it.
But the low moods, sleep problems, hot flushes, belly fat, heavy periods, PMT, emotional outbursts, they really DID improve. Take a quick scroll through this page to see what they said themselves.
Daily actions form the basis of survive or thrive. Sink or swim. It’s the basis, not the everything. We have to start somewhere, and this is it.
Even with medication (which I’m not against btw), we can’t take a detour around the base habits.
If it sounds simple, surely that’s a reason to give a go, not a reason to dismiss it?
If you’ve not yet joined my online community – Finding Yourself In Menopause – then check it out by clicking the link below.
It’s available to all women at any age or stage of menopause.
If you want support not just information, proper answers and discussions about what really matters to you, here’s the link:
